The discoveries of bread and beer, it’s been argued, were the prime catalysts in the rise of civilization. Since by bread alone man cannot live, beer was indeed the original nutrition for the spirit and mind. The initial outbursts of inventiveness and creativity which radiated from the land between the two rivers then swept the entire world only came about after our ancestors learned how to properly consume this natural form of alcohol. Too much was certainly as bad as not drinking at all, a formula which still holds absolutely true millennia later. This is, ladies and gentlemen, the beginning of our written legacy.
Beer traces back its origins to the 6th millennium BC to Mesopotamia and Ancient Egypt. The Sumerians made reference to beer in their very first writings (clever people the Sumerians). The Hymn to Ninkasi of 1800BC, found in its entirety at the end of this article, is the oldest recipe for making beer in recorded history. Ninkasi is the Sumerian goddess of beer and the brew mistress of the gods (I told you that the Sumerians were smart). Beer, being the final product of natural fermentation, was
discovered rather than invented. The Sumerians baked the grain they harvested in order to make it last in storage. It was found that the sweetest variety of grains if left and forgotten then moistened and eaten uplifted the wits of our grandfathers and made them jolly. We were indeed the first people to get intoxicated and in due course the masterminds of wild and fun partying. At least 3600 years before the 16-day world renowned Oktoberfest festival of Munich and Bavaria was initiated (1818) we were already getting drunk year round. It goes beyond doubt that the earliest
pickup lines such as:
-If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
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-If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
and lamer ones still were invented between the Tigris and the Euphrates. When we, illustrious Levantines, remember our past and rightfully take pride in our colorful history, we should go all the way back without the slightest of hesitation. Drinking is a part of our true identity and as thus guilt and shame should not be allowed to obscure our vision even for those who chose to defy nature by becoming self-prescribed abstainers.
The Babylonians followed in the footstep of their forerunners and improved on the manmade processing while simultaneously the Fellaheen (peasants) along the River Nile of ancient Egypt added dates to the brew, just like they still do today, to improve on its taste. Hammurabi, the Babylonian king and the first lawmaker in history by all accounts decreed that the
daily ration of beer per individual is to be based on his social standing. It varied from 2 liters for a manual laborer to 5 liters for a high priest. With the rise of the Roman Empire, beer continued to spread and infiltrated the outer reaches of the realm. The bigoted and narrow minded Romans considered beer to be the choice of Barbarians and stuck to their wine (no more their discovery than our Arak is). They called it Bacchus and claimed it to be the favorite drinks of the gods. Tacitus wrote of the Germans: "To drink, the Teutons have a horrible brew fermented from barley or wheat, a brew which has only a very far removed similarity to wine". Yeah right, the haughty Italians ended up making Fiats while the savage Germans contrived Beemers and Mercedes-Benzes.
By the Middle Ages beer developed radically in monastery breweries. Those wise olden priests didn’t engage in beer brewing for profit but rather to liven up their frugal diet. Since the consumption of fluids didn’t break their perpetual fast, a pious monk was allowed as much as 5 liters per day. Damn, who needs to eat anyway? That would’ve been just about the perfect time to join the church. I’ve kept a mental note about it, if I’m ever to travel back through time I’d choose the 1350’s and commit myself to becoming a monk for the rest of my short yet happy life. Brewing beer slowly yet surely progressed on the hands of these men of the cloth and eventually they started producing more beer than they could consume. The first pubs were established by the monasteries and soon enough shady men of politics, dukes and princes, saw the tremendous potential of money in the beer “business”. This hugely popular drink became taxable under Emperor Sigismund (1368-1437). Christian clerics of that era, bless their souls, greatly contributed to the fine art of brewing. Thanks to them, beer started to look and taste so much like the golden elixir of today. Hops were used for the first time to enhance the flavor in the Brabant monasteries somewhere in today’s Belgium. King Gambrinus, still revered today as the patron saint of beer, jubilantly bellowed on a happy night: "In life be I called Gambrinus, King of Flanders and Brabant. I have made malt from barley and first conceived of the brewing of beer. Hence, the brewers can say they have a king as master brewer."
In the 1500’s, Hamburg alone boasted 600 breweries and with the passage of time, Friedrich Wilhelm (1688-1740), King of Prussia, established his celebrated “Tobacco Council”, what in essence is an early format of a group of “drinking buddies”. Beer lovers gained an avid and influential supporter now that the church reversed its position on drinking. Rest in peace beloved king, my friends and I always remember you when we salute our Sumerian ancestors. "Kass Friedrich Ibn Wilhelm", we roar in euphoria after a few Bavarian cold ones.
In 1835, the first German railroad was inaugurated, connecting Nürnberg to Fürth. The first cargo transported on board was, well, two barrels of beer. With the invention of refrigeration by Carl von Linde (1842-1934), beer became seasonally independent. Should I go on… beer won the world over in a heartbeat and has successfully become the most globally consumed alcoholic beverage. There’s hardly a country where beer is not brewed. Even under the tyrannical, oppressive and cruel despotism of the House of Saud (who prefer to drink Scotch from the high-heeled shoes of blonde prostitutes over any other form of drink) ingenious beer lovers prepare their brew in their bathtubs at home. We in Syria have 2 local brands of beer. I would suggest that you give them a try, if you haven’t already done so, out of curiosity. From a scale of 0 to 10, I would give Al-Shark and Barada a grade of anywhere from 0 to 5. The strangest thing is that the taste is not consistent and varies from bottle to bottle, from the terrible to the mediocre. However, once you learn that these two brands of beer are produced by the public sector (meaning the government) you should wonder no more. An analphabet government official can barely tie his shoes let alone supervise and run a brewery. You would’ve thought that with the new opening up of the market, the erection of hundreds of factories and the introduction of dozens of new industries someone will have the balls to start a beer brewing plant. But my tobacco council and I know better. The new breed of Syrian investors (businessmen) and despite the fact that they might be heavy drinkers themselves, hide behind their middle finger (the same one they stick up the general public’s ass). They court the government and bed the religious establishment. These patrons of modernization are accumulating such horrendous profits, bribing their ardent bearded supporters and basking in their blessings. What the hell am I talking about? Screw them.
It’s time for a beer. Cheers.
The Hymn to Ninkasi
Translated by Miguel Civil
Borne of the flowing water,
Tenderly cared for by the Ninhursag,
Borne of the flowing water,
Tenderly cared for by the Ninhursag,
Having founded your town by the sacred lake,
She finished its great walls for you,
Ninkasi, having founded your town by the sacred lake,
She finished it's walls for you,
Your father is Enki, Lord Nidimmud,
Your mother is Ninti, the queen of the sacred lake.
Ninkasi, your father is Enki, Lord Nidimmud,
Your mother is Ninti, the queen of the sacred lake.
You are the one who handles the dough [and] with a big shovel,
Mixing in a pit, the bappir with sweet aromatics,
Ninkasi, you are the one who handles the dough [and] with a big shovel,
Mixing in a pit, the bappir with [date] - honey,
You are the one who bakes the bappir in the big oven,
Puts in order the piles of hulled grains,
Ninkasi, you are the one who bakes the bappir in the big oven,
Puts in order the piles of hulled grains,
You are the one who waters the malt set on the ground,
The noble dogs keep away even the potentates,
Ninkasi, you are the one who waters the malt set on the ground,
The noble dogs keep away even the potentates,
You are the one who soaks the malt in a jar,
The waves rise, the waves fall.
Ninkasi, you are the one who soaks the malt in a jar,
The waves rise, the waves fall.
You are the one who spreads the cooked mash on large reed mats,
Coolness overcomes,
Ninkasi, you are the one who spreads the cooked mash on large reed mats,
Coolness overcomes,
You are the one who holds with both hands the great sweet wort,
Brewing [it] with honey [and] wine
(You the sweet wort to the vessel)
Ninkasi, (...)(You the sweet wort to the vessel)
The filtering vat, which makes a pleasant sound,
You place appropriately on a large collector vat.
Ninkasi, the filtering vat, which makes a pleasant sound,
You place appropriately on a large collector vat.
When you pour out the filtered beer of the collector vat,
It is [like] the onrush of Tigris and Euphrates.
Ninkasi, you are the one who pours out the filtered beer of the collector vat,
It is [like] the onrush of Tigris and Euphrates.
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Olmert, who resigned about 10 days ago but remains as a caretaker until a new government forms, has been on a self-reflection and atonement kick lately. In the process he has issued harsh critiques of Israeli political psychology and confessed to the wrongness of some of the policies he held dear during a 35-year political career.